Love & Limitations - Striving for Balance

There are many aspects to raising children that can help them thrive as they grow. Two areas that have a large impact on your child and their overall wellbeing are:

1. Love/Support/Caring
2. Disciplining/Limiting/Restricting

The challenge is to blend both at all times. This consistency is what tells your child that you mean business and you are in charge. Later as a child tests you at different ages a foundation of love, communication, restrictions and consistency will help you control your child and ensure their respect for you. Many parents are very loving but have a hard time setting limits and sticking to them. Some parents do too much restricting, but do not balance this discipline with love. Be aware that too many restrictions can backfire and cause rebellion.

Often, parents look to their own parents and their up-bringing as a guide and end up usally trying to take a different approach. Unfortunately what happens is that parents end up being too permissive because their parents were too strict or vice versa. Another phenomenon is parents feeling guilty because they don't spend enough time with their children. The solution? Some parents try to compensate for their guilt by not saying "no", or trying to be a friend and not enough of a parent. If all goes well you will have your friend when your child reaches 18. Before that time you need to be a parent. Some parents either knowingly or even unknowingly attempt to "buy their child's love" with material possessions. The problem occurs when they give the child everything they want, and the child does not build the drive or motivation to work hard to acquire things on their own. Even at a young age children need to be taught that if they want something, they need to work for it. Privileges should be earned.

Once a child is about 2 years old if not earlier, they will test your limits on everything. You need, I repeat NEED to pass these early tests the first time around or negative behavior patterns will start to surface. Through the years you will be tested again but by staying consistent these tests will soon be a thing of the past. If your child cries and does not want to nap and you go in and pick the child up, you have just taught them that crying works. Now this might sound obvious, but as parents we often forget the obvious and act on impulse especially if our child is crying or screaming. Before parents know it, they have a child who is out of control or who does not respect them. This can pave the way for them to start disrespecting other authority figures as well. Behavior problems in school are certain to follow. Later as a child grows into the teen years they will actually appreciate the restrictions since peer pressure can make it hard for them to say no. So they blame it on the rules and hopefully stay out of trouble.

Before you find yourself in a big mess with a toddler or child who does not listen and does not respect you, try to remember the following tips:

1. Start out on the stricter side. It is easier to let the child have more privileges if they deserve it. It is very hard going from NOT being strict to become more strict.

2. Even though you might still be mad after disciplining a child, it is important to hug them and let them know you still love them. Ask them to tell you why you had to say no. Your child should know. For a baby under 10 months discipline is replaced with distraction.

3. Even babies can pick up the tone of your voice early. So use a stern tone when your child is doing something you don't want them to do.

4. As your child grows older and learns to make decisions, you can offer some choices but do not go overboard with letting them choose or they will start to think they have control over you.

5. Be consistent and persistent. Children have an internal radar that is always taking notes. They will know the loop holes in your parenting and try to jump through them.

6. If there are two parents involved, make sure to show a universal front on rules and don't disagree in the presence of your child. Make sure both parents spend fun time with the child otherwise your child might act out for attention.

7. As a child grows, teach your child that they are not the center of the universe. A few times a year choose an organization to volunteer for so that your child can see that there are people that are less fortunate. This will show them how lucky they are and can have a major impact on them.

8. Try and have dinner as a family on most evenings. This is the ideal time to connect with your child. You might also have a game night once a week and turn off the TV. This shows that you really care.

9. Really listen to your child. As simple as this sounds many parents don't really listen to their children. This will foster open communication which can help you tackle the many issues over the next 18 years and beyond!

10. Don't contradict yourself by doing something that you just told your child not to do. Remember that you are the first role model for your child and that actions speak louder than words!

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