My Philosophy

My goal for my daughter and hopes for other children are that they grow up to have respect for their parents and others. Being emotionally and psychologically mature does not come easy or without sacrifice from parents. Let's face it, disciplining is not fun. If we could, we would pass the job on to someone else. It is harder and more time consuming to discipline and set limits than it is just to let a child do what they want and be more lenient. What it really comes down to is YOUR threshold for hearing your own baby and eventually, your toddler cry. Some people just can't take hearing crying in their offspring. But this is how babies talk! Some parents are afraid to discipline or not respond right away to a cry for they feel they may lose love from their child. The irony is, they gain more respect in the long run by setting limits. Parents hate to deal with crying but at times as you read on, it will be your best option. Yes, all babies and toddlers are different and not one size fits all, but there are things you can do differently to help change a baby's behavior. Of course in the first few weeks of life an infant sleeps most the time so you might want to wait a few weeks before worrying about structure, but it does lead to schedules and sleeping more. I personally started from day one with structure, and I am very happy I did. But I like structure. For those who don't, wait a month to start with schedules. In addition, being socially capable is also a key ingredient for happiness as an infant grows. Let your little one play with others and help them play. Teach them what to say and how to have manners around friends as they grow.

To get a baby on a schedule, first you start with your feeding schedule then move into establishing a sleeping schedule. This feeding schedule will eventually help you to help your baby sleep through the night. A baby who sleeps enough will thrive in so many other ways, and they will be more content overall. These days school children do not get enough sleep and it affects them greatly. It is never too early to start putting some routines into your days and nights. But be flexible since babies are not robots. If your baby is scheduled to eat at 2pm and is crying and seems hungry (sucking your finger off) at 1:15pm, feed your baby. The schedule will soon regulate closer to 2pm as your baby gets older. Often if you engage the child you will see that eating is secondary to fun.

What is fun with a baby or for children? This fun can be a good stalling tactic in the early days to help you stay on track with the schedule. Having plans is really all you need to get started with. Feeding and sleeping times are pre-arranged. Go on some outings. Try to eat with the family or a group at least once a day and twice a day on weekends. Stay home and get small children involved in cooking. Good life skill to have. Fun for most babies and children is going places and being around other children. Try not to watch TV. No more than 5 hours a week. NO COMMERCIALS! After 5 years old they are saturated with the media. Limiting TV helps attention span and helps children control themselves better. Brain waves go to lazy/auto pilot brain on TV. TV thinks for you. Activities help you know what you think since you are navigating and solving issues that arise when you play a team sport. We want growing thinking/engaged brains. Parents can get lazy and TV is a cheap babysitter, but at a price. Try your best to push yourself for the sake of the child and their children's children. Do fun things outside the house. Plan activities.

Simplicity helps infants and children. When children are given too many toys, clothes, and activities, they are less grateful. But even my family has too many activities and things compared to children in many countries. But at least we not just watch TV. It is hard NOT to give a child "everything" and it is a challenge to keep things simple. We do one class (1 hour) 5 times a week. By giving an infant or child too much they will show less appreciation.

Value of money. When given too much, any human being, young or old, tends to become less satisfied over time. Your child does not need more than one toothbrush to choose from in the morning. They need your love and time. Often choices such as what to order at a restaurant really should be made by the parent/s, and if a choice is given, it should be between two things which the parent offers. If you put your children in charge too early, they will learn to test you on everything because they know they can. Children want and need limits, and they also need positive attention and love to go with those limits. Keep things simple and instill a solid Work Ethic by modeling one. If children want things, they need to work for them in some age appropriate way, no matter how small. For example, have children do small chores starting at age 5 in return for privileges or things they want. Continue this as they grow. This is how I was raised. I even got paid for grades and it did motivate me. When I was 14, my parents said that if I wanted a car at 16, I should start saving my money and they would match what ever amount I had saved. I saved $1,500 in a year by doing babysitting, extra chores, and handing out flyers for a small business. My parents matched the money and I used my $3,000 to buy my first car which was sitting in my driveway by 15½. I also took care of my car because I understood the value of money and the work it took to buy the car.

When we discuss limits and structure for children you really cannot spoil a child who is under 3 months old. After 3 months though you would be surprised how much your baby can understand. Mild manipulation starts creeping into your daily life. You need to stop it immediately. You are in charge. You have to set and enforce rules and limits. By 3 years old do a sticker chart. If you set and stick to limits and structure plus add lots of love and cuddling, the child will thrive and feel secure as trust builds. In the first 2 months of life, a baby's cry should always be responded to, so trust can begin to build between the infant and the parent or parents. Trust is earned and is critical to later child rearing success. If your 2 or 3 month old baby has seen that you always come through and are consistent when you do respond, they will be less demanding over time since they know you will provide exactly what they need. Once this trust occurs, other behavior limitations can be implemented with more success. This does not mean they will not test you, but at least they will not test you daily and have your household turn into a battle ground.

As a working mother, I believe that quality time is much more important than quantity. If you have only 2 hours a day to be with your baby or child you want to make sure that time is well spent. The time you spend with your baby is so important since it helps them to acquire your values. Later in life, an adjusted child, adolescent, or young adult who has acquired your values will not want to disappoint you. We all know ineffective parents who spend plenty of time with their children. Taking a break from your baby or child by being at work is not a bad thing. It can actually make you more ready to come home and love and appreciate your child. In short it can make you a better mom. If you use a daycare before your baby is 1 year old, your baby will get a jump start on meeting new people and social development. But part-time or a few days a week is best for baby. They need you too. Later, you will be a model for work ethic and the work ethic you expect from them. For stay-at-home moms, the same holds true; a break can give you perspective and time to think, not just act on impulse. Another thing that is a shame, is the divide between working moms and stay-at-home moms. All parents need to do what is right for them and both choices are fine! One thing all parents need to realize though, is if you do too much for your child (cook all meals, make their bed, do their laundry, etc.), you might see that they have no reason to leave the house, go to college, and become independent. Chores for kids are an essential tool for learning responsibility and work ethic. Some kids have a built in motivation but most don't. Give a reward they will like for doing chores. Rewards are good things for children. You want them to be eager and excited about getting out on their on their own, holding a job or starting a career, going to college, and getting their first apartment. You want them to take pride in these things and feel good about themselves and their accomplishments. I know too many spoiled kids these days that don't go to college. They might be thinking - "Why should I work so hard, I already have it all."

Lastly, don't crowd your baby or child. I know it can be hard not to since your baby is fascinating to you. Let them stare off into space for 45 minutes if they are happy doing so. If you always hold a baby and entertain them, they will have a hard time entertaining themselves later. Holding a cuddling baby is important, but letting baby have short spurts of independent time is important too. Be sure to check on your baby occasionally if you leave your baby in a safe place and leave the room for more than a few minutes. I once found my baby with a bib over her face gasping for air.

When it is time to entertain your baby, try doing activities which can be physically active or a conversation which is mentally active. This does not include TV. Let your baby watch you dance, swim, play pingpong or play cards. Your baby can watch you in your garden, washing your car, or cooking. Include your baby at the dinner table even if they have eaten. Start early with dinner time being a main time each day to be together as a family. Later as your child learns to talk, dinner time should be a time to talk as a family about everything!

My Background

As a child, I loved babies.This led to me providing child care to over 50 families during a 15 year period as a babysitter. I was a nanny for one family while in college as well. Parents would tell me I should go into child development or be a child psychologist when I would give them an update on how I managed to persuade their children to listen or clean up their rooms. Even though I knew I would have been satisfied working with children as a career, I also knew I would have children some day and this would satisfy my love of kids. So I went on to another social-service field and built a thriving career that I am now happily working in. Once I had my daughter, I realized that I had a lot of information to offer to new parents on child-rearing issues.

As for babies, my first babysitting job was for a neighbor's 2 children: a toddler and a baby. I was almost 14. I remember the father saying if a baby cries there are 5 points to go over as potential reasons: hungry/thirsty, tired, bored, diaper change, or gas. So, I cycled through the 5 to keep baby Ana happy and the only time that did not work was when the baby was sick. Beyond my hands-on experience with babies and children, I also enjoy doing research, reading, and sharing what I know to help others.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I read everything I could on getting pregnant. Once pregnant, I read everything on pregnancy, and when I had a newborn this trend continued. From books to magazines, to websites I have learned a lot and I am always learning more. In addition to research, I have learned so much from other parents, doctors and nurses. But as a new mom the one thing that was missing for me out there were answers that fit my specific situation. Now you can email your Dr. (Kaiser is leading on that). Much of what you find on my website is there because at some point I had a hard time finding it myself. Since most new parents do not have much time to research, this site will help you get answers to your questions. Email a question if you can't find an answer.

FORMAL EDUCATION:
M.S. Degree in Counseling, B.A. Degree in Psychology
M.S. Degree in Public Policy and Admin. In Progress
Past work in education, business, non-profit, and gov.

CAREER:
Director of a University Career Center